Things that Star Trek characters would never say
by Moril known before as Delyon
Summary: Actually, they might say these things in some weird alternate universe. Not here, though. Enterprise is up and TOS is coming soon!
1. The Next Generation

Things that Star Trek characters would never say

By Captain Delyon

Disclaimer: Star Trek = Paramount. Happy, lawyers? Oh, and I really do like the characters here.

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Picard: Okay, let's go by the Prime Directive and not save that guy down there.

Beverly: Yeah, we all hate Wesley.

Riker: And I hate Deanna!

Worf: So do I!

Troi: And I! Hey, wait a minute… Actually, this crew is a bunch of slime.

Data: Oh yeah! I'm emotional now!

Geordi: What a nice day… the warp core's about to breach. I'm glad! I never liked it anyway.

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Guinan: Hi, Q!

Q: Hi, Guinan! What about a stroll on the holodeck?

Guinan: Sure!

Everyone: Hi, Q! Want a cigar? Can I get you a drink? (etc.)

Q: No, actually, I was about to go out with Guinan.

Data: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Q and Guinan! What a pair!

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Geordi: It's a good time for necromancy, isn't it, Cap'n?

Picard: Sure!

(Geordi and Picard chant weird death chant)

Picard: Hi!

Geordi: Hi!

Tasha: Who are you people? Just a minute ago, I was whizzing through space in a torpedo thingy.

Data: Now that you're back from the dead, we can sing karaoke to our heart's content!

BABE! I GOT YOU BABE! I GOT YOU BABE!

Picard:

I AM A ROCK! I AM AN I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-ISLAND!

Q:

YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE YOUR INTERESTS LIE!

Tasha:

WON'T YOU STOPAND REMEMBER ME? AT ANY CONVENIENT TIME?

Guinan:

THE S-O-O-O-O-O-OUND OF SILENCE!

Beverly:

I'M A SLA-A-A-A-A-A-AVE 4 U!

Picard: Good. Swab the decks!

Riker: Don't interrupt our karaoke fest.

I SAW HER FACE! NOW I'M A BELIEVER!

Everyone:

NOT A TRACE! OF DOUBT IN MY MIND!

Data:

I'M IN LOVE! NOW I'M A BELIEVER!

Troi: My turn!

SHE'S SO LUCKY! SHE'S A STAR! BUT SHE CRY-CRY-CRIES IN HER LONELY HEART!

Picard: Eeew, Britney Spears!

Troi: You didn't say that to Beverly!

Picard: That's 'coz she's my girlfriend!

Everyone: Eeew!

Q: I'm outta here!

(Q disappears)

Narrator: Next… Voyager!

TBC with Voyager.


	2. Voyager

Things that Star Trek characters would never say: Voyager

Disclaimer: Star Trek = Paramount. I really do like the characters here.

Janeway: Let's scan the system for Borg. If you find any, plot a course for them.

Chakotay: Janeway and Seven are stupid!

B'elanna: Tom's stupid!

Paris: B'elanna and Harry are stupid! And so is the Delta Flyer!

Kim: I second B'elanna's statement.

Seven: Chakotay's stupid! The Doctor's stupid!

Doc: Holograms are stupid!

Janeway: The whole crew's stupid, okay? Face it.

Neelix (over comm): Everyone please come down to the mess hall. People who eat felines are attacking me!

Everyone:

            NEELIX THE CAT! THE WONDERFUL WONDERFUL CAT!__

Neelix: Very funny… GAK!

Kes: Go cat-eaters! Go cat-eaters!

Janeway: Please turn off the comm? I'm getting sick.

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Tuvok: Logic can go down the toilet! Let's party!

Chakotay: Yes, let's! Everyone sing the Barney Song!

Everyone except Janeway:

            I LOVE YOU! YOU LOVE ME!

Janeway: Now I'm _really_ sick.

Kes (over comm): The cat-eaters are after me now! Help help!  
Neelix's remains: You weren't going to live very long, anyway…

Kes: Shut up, you're dead.

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Borg: Karaoke time!

            IN THE TO-O-O-O-O-O-O-WN WHERE I WAS BO-O-O-O-O-O-RN…

Janeway: That karaoke stuff's getting old; it was used in the last chapter.

Borg:

            THERE LIVED A MA-A-A-A-A-N WHO SAILD TO SE-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-A!

Janeway: What did I just tell you?

Borg: Resistance is futile.

            AND HE TO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-LD US OF HIS LI-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-IFE…

Janeway: Warp 9. We're getting outta here.

(Voyager warps away from the Borg)

Janeway: You know what?

Everyone: What?

Janeway: Earth stinks. The crew is stupid. Tuvok's illogical. Let's just live in the Delta Quadrant forever.

Everyone: Yay!

Narrator: Next… Enterprise!

TBC with Enterprise 


	3. Enterprise

Things that Star Trek characters would never say: Enterprise 

By Sir Captain Delyon

Author's Note: Sorry for the wait! Hope you all like this one!

Archer: Clean the latrines, Private.

Trip: That's Lieutenant, (sarcastic) Captain.

Archer: Private sounds better. Especially since we're referring to latrines.

Trip: Enterprise doesn't _have_ latrines. We have indoor plumbing.

Archer: We do?

Trip: Oh come on. This dump isn't _that_ antiquated! At least we have cool special effects that Kirk could only dream of!

Archer: Who's Kirk?

Trip: (sigh) Never mind…

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T'pol: Hi, Trip! Wanna go rub gel on each other like we did in the first episode?

Trip: Sure!

Reed: Can I come, too?

T'pol: OK. Hey, has anyone noticed that my name is the same as a cheap Romulan Vulcan impostor from The Next Generation?

Archer: What's The Next Generation? And what are you saying?

T'pol: She was a Romulan impersonating a Vulcan impersonating a Romulan. Hasn't anyone watched "Gambit?"

Archer: What's "Gambit?"

T'pol: Never mind. You're just too dumb to think of these things.

Hoshi: You're stupid, though. I mean, if I said I had the same name as a lady from the future who was a Suliban impersonating a human impersonating a Suliban, they'd cart me off to the loony bin.

Archer: What's a Suliban?

Doomed Red-Shirted Extra: Hey Cap'n, you're supposed to be trapped in the 31st century! It said so in the season finale!

(Reed shoots the extra.)

(T'pol gives Reed a dirty glance.)

Reed: He was gonna die anyway…

(T'pol, Hoshi, Reed and Trip go off to rub gel on each other.)

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Phlox: Hi everyone! Now we're going to sing a song!

Trip: Oh no you don't! That's the oldest joke in this fanfic! The Borg did it last chapter, and the Enterprise-D crew did it in the first!

Archer: You think we care? Hey, what's the Borg? What's the Enterprise-D?

(Hoshi cleverly disguises her statement of "Idiot!" as a hacking cough.)

Phlox: Is something wrong?

Hoshi: You're not getting any of your quackery near me! It's just a little cough!

Phlox: Oh… (evilly) Well, that's not going to stop you from _singing_ with us, now is it…?

Hoshi: N-no.

Phlox: Good. It would be most _regrettable_ if we were to be deprived of your _lovely_ voice, now wouldn't it?

Archer: What's "regrettable?"

Phlox: Never mind. We will now sing our theme song.

Reed: NNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Anything but the theme song!

Archer: This is my ship. I give the commands.

            IT'S BEEN A LONG RO-O-O-O-AD

Trip: No! It's mutiny time!

(Phlox injects Hoshi)

(Hoshi becomes a mindless slave)

Hoshi:

            GETTIN' FROM THERE TO HERE

Archer:

            IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME

Reed: You two are worse than that redshirt! I think I'll shoot you-

Hoshi (interrupting):

            BUT MY TIME IS FINALLY HERE!

(Reed stuns Phlox, Hoshi, and Archer.)

Trip: Thank you!

Reed: Now we can sing what _we_ want!

Everyone:

            HELP!

Reed:

            I NEED SOMEBODY!

Everyone:

            HELP!

Trip:

            NOT JUST ANYBODY!

Everyone:

            HELP!

T'pol:

            YOU KNOW I NEED SOMEONE!

Everyone:

            HE-E-E-E-ELP!

(guitar plays)

Reed:

            WHEN I WAS YOUNGER SO MUCH YOUNGER THAN TODA-A-AY

Trip:

            I NEVER NEEDED ANYBODY'S

Everyone:

            HELP IN ANY WAY!

T'pol:

            BUT NOW THESE DAYS ARE GONE I'M NOT SO SELF ASSURED

Daniels: 

            NOW I FIND I'VE CHANGED MY MIND

Everyone:

            I'VE OPENED UP THE DOORS!

(The stunned people wake up and stun everyone.)

Archer: 

            'CAUSE I'VE GOT FAITH!

Hoshi:

            OF THE HEART!

Narrator: In order to spare our innocent audience from the rest of the Enterprise theme song, we will close this act here. Next is (bum bum bum!) The Original Series (echo)

TBC with The Original Series.


End file.
